Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
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Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole