Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
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Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
☺️
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.