RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
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*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.