*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
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No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
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I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?