scenes of unspeakable carnage
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beware of dog
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
For the orator and chef in all of us
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?