waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
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I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
He a real one for that
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”