the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
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I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Only Americans understand
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*