Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
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My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Tastes like chicken.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.