Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
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Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?