To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
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Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
I don’t think my car can fly
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*