She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
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life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*