My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
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Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
For the ones in the back.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.