It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
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Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Smallpox sounds so adorable
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Friday night party time 🥳
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday