HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
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I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Pretty much! 😂👀
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Ape together strong
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours