It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
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need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar