Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
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No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Mornin
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Siri, fight Alexa.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*