Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
You Might Also Like
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
The future is now.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Actually cracking up @ this
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.