y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
You Might Also Like
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Oh my God.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I saw nothing
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)