90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
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Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window