If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
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70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
the council will decide your fate
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you