whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
You Might Also Like
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.