If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
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Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!