[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
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I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
it must be school picture day