My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
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I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.