What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
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After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Strange
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.