a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
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[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Previously On Persistence 😎
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
A friend helps you before you need it
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.