Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
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When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Meth is short for Elizameth.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.