She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
You Might Also Like
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.