Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
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I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle