Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
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If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’