Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
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Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!