[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
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What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.