Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
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It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions