A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
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It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
A double negative is a big no-no.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes