When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
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“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this