My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
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I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*