What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
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Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.