Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
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I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.