As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
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Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument