Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
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Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.