Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
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*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.