*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
You Might Also Like
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything