Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
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When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.