Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
You Might Also Like
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Squirrels before girls.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.