I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
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After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.