. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
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My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.