I think my husband is beginning to suspect
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My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
😂😂😂
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Brands during Pride
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Dune (2021)
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week