ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
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Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Pretty certain I can more drunk
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
#Caturday
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.