I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
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convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Feel. He’s so soft.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it