I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
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[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
“HELP WITH CAT”
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest